When the Masculine and Feminine lose their balance
Many people have been watching The Manosphere on Netflix, a TV show created by Louis Theroux about a group of alpha-male influencers who provide content about fitness, business, and self-improvement.
As I watched it, I found myself sitting with a mixed response. On one level, what was being shown was confronting—young men speaking about women in ways that felt crude, at times disrespectful, even dehumanising. There were moments that were sad to watch, not just because of what was being said, but because of what seemed to be missing.
And yet, alongside that, I could also recognise something else:
A desire to be successful.
A desire to move forward in life.
A desire to feel empowered, to have direction, to become someone.
It wasn’t one-dimensional. It was a mixed bag. Rather than dismiss or condemn what I was seeing, I found myself becoming curious:
What is actually going on here?
We’re also seeing parallel conversations emerging in other spaces—through shows like Adolescence—and across wider cultural discourse, where questions around masculinity, identity, and belonging are becoming more visible and more charged.
It would be easy to point the finger—to label this “toxic masculinity” and move on. But something about that felt cursory and incomplete.
When we only focus on the behaviour, we miss the wound beneath it. What appears on the surface as arrogance, entitlement, or disrespect is often covering something far more human—a disconnection, a confusion, a loss of orientation. And perhaps more importantly:
What is the wider context shaping this?
Because if we are willing to look more deeply, what begins to emerge is not just a story about men—but a story about the relationship between the masculine and the feminine itself.
A relationship that, in many ways, has lost its balance.
The Masculine Shadow
Many young men today feel disenchanted and disconnected. Without a clear sense of direction or belonging, they are drawn to strong, hyper-masculine figures—individuals who offer certainty, status, and a clear path forward.
In that sense, their desire to become successful, to feel empowered, to take direction in their lives makes complete sense. It speaks to something real in the masculine—the impulse toward purpose, structure, and achievement. But almost immediately, it can come at a cost.
A disconnection from the heart.
A disconnection from the feminine.
A disconnection from meaning.
Because when the masculine becomes cut off from the feminine, it doesn’t become more powerful—it becomes more rigid. It loses its capacity to feel, to relate, to generate meaning—and replaces it with control.
It moves toward dominance rather than leadership, control rather than protection, and certainty without reflection. It dismisses emotion as weakness, overrides rather than listens, and pursues power without regard for impact.
This pattern is increasingly reflected in broader data on male wellbeing, where emotional disconnection is associated with higher rates of isolation, depression, and suicide (Office for National Statistics [ONS], 2023; Mental Health Foundation, 2023).
The Rise of Feminine Polarities
Feminism has provided profound and necessary contributions to society.
The first wave of Feminism in the late 19th and early 20th century was rooted in very real injustices—women were denied the right to vote, to own property independently, and to participate fully in civic life. Movements such as the suffragettes in the UK, led by Emmeline Pankhurst, fought tirelessly—often at great personal cost—to secure these fundamental rights, culminating in milestones like the Representation of the People Act 1918 (UK Parliament, 2023).
The second wave, emerging in the 1960s and 70s, expanded this further into cultural and economic life—challenging workplace inequality, limited career access, and restrictive social roles. Legislation such as the Equal Pay Act 1970 reflected a growing recognition that equality was not only legal, but structural and societal (UK Government, 1970).
These movements were grounded responses to lived inequality and played a crucial role in restoring dignity, opportunity, and voice.
And yet, in some modern expressions, something else is emerging. Not just empowerment—but resentment. Not just equality—but rejection.
The Feminine Shadow
A deeper Feminine shadow is also emerging—one shaped by unresolved resentment and, at times, hostility toward the masculine.
Rather than engaging the Masculine through clear boundary-setting or direct communication, it can manifest through passive-aggressive dynamics—shaming, moral positioning, reputational undermining, or the quiet withholding of truth.
These patterns are not exclusive to women, but expressions of the feminine archetype when it becomes cut off from the masculine.
The conflict we see out there often reflects something unresolved within us.
There can be a reluctance to take full agency—where power is expressed not through clarity, but through influence behind the scenes. Expression becomes coded rather than direct. Accountability becomes diffused. At times, emotional experience overrides grounded discernment, where feelings are treated as facts rather than signals to be explored and integrated.
In this state, the masculine principle is not met—it is judged. Not related to—but resisted. And just as distorted masculinity becomes controlling and disconnected from the heart, distorted femininity becomes manipulative, reactive, and ungrounded in truth. What could be complementary becomes adversarial.
And as this happens, the centre shifts.
When either pole rejects the other, it does not become stronger—it becomes distorted.
This is not a critique of feminism itself, but an invitation to explore what happens when the masculine and feminine—within us and between us—lose their relationship.
Reframing the Issue for Men
Men are struggling.
In the UK, around 75% of suicides are men (ONS, 2023). Men are significantly less likely to seek psychological support and more likely to suffer in silence (Mental Health Foundation, 2023). Increasing numbers of young men are not in education, employment, or training, and report a lack of meaning, direction, and belonging (UK Government, 2023; Reeves, 2022).
Many report higher levels of loneliness, fewer close friendships, and difficulty forming intimate relationships (Reeves, 2022). In this environment, some withdraw. Others overcompensate.
Some retreat into isolation—through gaming, online worlds, or financial speculation. Others adopt exaggerated forms of masculinity in an attempt to reclaim direction and certainty.
But beneath both responses lies the same experience:
Disconnection.
Disorientation.
A quiet sense of not knowing where they belong.
And many are left asking:
Where do I stand?
What is acceptable?
What is my role?
Reframing the Issue for Women
Women are struggling too.
In recent decades, there has been a powerful and necessary movement toward greater inclusion, equality, and representation across society. These shifts have brought meaningful progress.
And yet, something more complex is unfolding.
For some, empowerment has become entangled with unresolved resentment. The movement is no longer only toward equality, but toward revenge—resulting in constant polarisation between the sexes.
The healthy Masculine qualities are no longer engaged as a complementary force, but experienced as something to guard against, deconstruct, and even punish. Healthy masculine qualities—clarity, boundary-setting, decisive action, truth-orientation—are rejected unilaterally rather than integrated with discernment.
And as this happens, the centre shifts.
Rather than grounded agency, there is a move toward external validation, collective positioning, and moral authority. Power is expressed not directly, but through influence, alignment, and social pressure.
This is not a failure of the Feminine. It is what happens when the Feminine becomes cut off from the Masculine within.
Because without clarity and structure, openness becomes uncontained and inclusion loses discernment. And something essential is lost: the capacity to meet the masculine as an equal—not as an adversary.
Over the past 30 years, cultural movements have challenged traditional structures and binary frameworks—particularly around identity, gender, and truth itself. This has opened important space for inclusion and questioning rigid roles.
But in some expressions, it has swung to the other extreme. Rather than integrating difference, it collapses it. The binary is no longer refined—but rejected. Structure is no longer balanced—but dissolved. And without structure, orientation is lost.
When everything becomes fluid, the ability to choose—or to stand—begins to disappear. What was once too rigid becomes too diffuse. And the middle ground—where nature and nurture, masculine and feminine, structure and fluidity coexist—is lost.
What emerges is not resolution, but oscillation. Not integration, but escalation. Each side reacting. Each side reinforcing the other. What we are witnessing is not two opposing forces—but a single polarity that has fractured. Each reacting. Each reinforcing. Each justifying itself through the distortion of the other.
Bridging Polarities
So rather than seeing this as “toxic masculinity” on one side and “radical feminism” on the other, it is more accurate to see both as distorted expressions of something that has lost its centre.
The word toxic implies something inherently poisonous—something to be rejected. But distorted suggests something natural that has lost balance—and therefore can be restored. And that distinction matters. Because it moves us out of blame, and into responsibility.
The focus can then move to reconnecting the Masculine with the Feminine, and vice versa. This can be done by integrating polarity tensions in everyday life that are fragmented, irrespective of ones gender.
taking action (giving) vs letting go (receiving)
setting boundaries (protecting) vs building intimacy (empathising)
thinking (enlightening) vs feeling (embodying)
These are not opposites to eliminate—they are complementary forces to integrate.
They do not only exist between men and women. They exist within each of us. Masculine and feminine are not fixed identities, but living principles within the human experience. While biology may incline us toward one expression more than another, it does not confine us.
The Masculine—clarity, active, boundaries
The Feminine—depth, receptive, connection.
Both are available to everyone. The work is not to assign them. It is to embody them consciously.
And yet, culturally, we remain caught between two extremes.
One that rigidly assigns roles.
Another that collapses biological difference entirely.
Perhaps there is a middle ground. Where individuals are free to choose their roles—while recognising that biology may influence tendencies without determining them. Not as a rule. But as a reality to be integrated.
The crisis is not masculinity or feminism—it is the disconnection between them.
And until that disconnection is addressed, both will continue to distort. Until then, the cycle continues—regardless of which side believes it is right.
Doing the Inner Work
Perhaps the deeper truth is this: the conflict we see out there reflects something unresolved in here.
Because the real work is not ideological. It is psychological, energetic, and relational.
It asks us to look at where we have rejected the other pole within ourselves. Where we have hardened. Where we have resented. Where we have disconnected.
This is not typically easy work. It requires use to surrender the ego payoff of being right in our view. But it is where something begins to shift.
Because when the Masculine and Feminine come back into relationship within us, the need to fight them outside of us begins to dissolve.
And from there, a different possibility emerges.
Not masculine over feminine. Not feminine over masculine. But a conscious, integrated, and harmonious relationship between the two.
Within us. And between us.
______
References:
Mental Health Foundation. (2023). Men and women: Statistics. https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk
Office for National Statistics (ONS). (2023). Suicides in England and Wales. https://www.ons.gov.uk
Paglia, C. (1990). Sexual personae. Yale University Press.
Reeves, R. V. (2022). Of boys and men. Brookings Institution Press.
Sommers, C. H. (1994). Who stole feminism? Simon & Schuster.
UK Government. (1970). Equal Pay Act 1970. https://www.legislation.gov.uk
UK Government. (2023). NEET statistics. https://explore-education-statistics.service.gov.uk
UK Parliament. (2023). Women’s suffrage. https://www.parliament.uk